L and I were talking last night and he said something that made me stop.

We both want kids one day.  Two would be good.  One day.   Not tomorrow, not a year after we’re married, but one day.  We’ve discussed in the past that five years or so after we’re married would be a good time range to shoot for.  I was happy with that.  I don’t feel as though I could be responsible for another human being at this point in my life.  It’s not that I’m irresponsible, I just don’t know that I’m ready for that task yet.

I’m just not a baby person.  They’re cute.  And I want a couple one day, but I’m just not a baby-obsessed person.  I never have been.  I don’t fuss over my friends’ babies, I don’t long to hold one.  And in fact, when my friends have had babies and there’s the obligatory first visit and you feel you have to hold the baby, I swear that I have a panic attack because I’m afraid I’m going to break the baby.  Once they’re to the point where they can hold their own heads up, I’m better, but you get the idea. 

Then there are the older kids.  I just am never really sure what to do with them.  When I was in highschool I babysat, but really only for two or three families. When we’re around a lot of the kids at the volunteer FD, I never know if I should tell them ‘no’ or stop them from running around because they’re not my kids (the answer is yes, it’s kind of collective parenting at that place, apparently).  I’m always afraid that I’ll talk to a kid on a younger level than they really are.  Maybe it’s because I’m an only child, or perhaps it’s because I don’t recall my mom ever being baby crazy.

L, on the other hand, is different.  He loves playing with the kids at the volunteer FD; he always riles them up and they run to him when he walks into a room.  Even one of the really young kids who is just learning to walk.  He would teeter totter over in L’s direction and L would put out his hand to help him get around.  It’s really adorable.

A few months ago, I was with a group of women from the volunteer FD when one of them said that they were pretty sure that L would be ready to have kids before I am.  I wouldn’t be surprised, but we’ve always been on the same page about this 5 year thing.

Until last night.

While talking about a variety of things about us, the conversation turned to this:

L: I think the girls might have been right.

Me: Right about what?

L: About me being ready to have kids before you are.

Me: ::stares blankly at him, my heart may have momentarily stopped, jaw hits ground::  Umm, ok.  Well, uh, so, yeah, when are you thinking?  I thought we were good with 5 years.

L: I don’t know, maybe 4 years.

Me:   ::to myself, phew, ok, that’s not TOO bad.::  So, is this the only time you might change your mind or are we going to slowly reduce that number? 

L: I don’t know, I think that’s a good number.

Me:  ::to myself, that’s what you said about 5 years!::  Because I’m soooo not ok with a honeymoon baby.

L: Um, yeah, no.  Me either.

He surprises me with this stuff sometimes.  It’s no surprise that we want kids, we talk about what our family will be like in the future, but sometimes you just wouldn’t expect it from him.  And then a conversation like last night’s happens.  Or when he brings this up out of nowhere.

I think he’ll be a good dad one day.  And I can’t wait to see what our family is like… one day.

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