When I originally started this blog, I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be anonymous or not.  So I took the passive route and posted the link in my Facebook profile.  If people saw it and read it, fine.  If not, that’s fine too.  I did tell one friend about it.  Just randomly. Hi Rach.  But that’s it.

I never told any or my friends.  I never told L.  And I eventually took the link out of my profile.  Well, I mostly did that because L’s sister friended me on Facebook and I had made reference to people telling me she was a bitch, so I chose to not make this available for her to read.

Well, as of Saturday, L now knows about it.  Long story short, we got into a bit of an argument on Friday night after a concert.  It was my fault again.  And there was no real reason.  I starting obsessing over his ex-girlfriend and it just turned into a crazy mess.  And by crazy I mean we were in the parking lot arguing until 2 a.m.  The concert ended at 11.

As always, things are fine.  I’ve come to the realization (for real this time), that I need to get the fuck over this.  I’m not sure why it still bothers me.  But, it’s time for it to stop.  And frankly, the way I keep ruining fun or important nights… if I don’t stop, I’ll probably ruin the night he proposes (we’ve been talking about that lately.  A lot.  I don’t know when it will happen, but I know it’s not as far away as I thought it was going to be.  But it’s still not close, so don’t get too excited).

Anyway, I’m not getting into specifics, but something came up on Friday that I apparently was less than truthful about.  And when it came up, I might possibly have changed the details a bit.  Saturday he was at work and I couldn’t deal with the guilt I felt about not telling him the whole truth.  Especially after I have given him so much hell about something he had been dishonest about in the past.

So I texted him and told him there was something I had to tell him when he got home on Sunday.  It eventually came down to him calling me and making me tell him then because he couldn’t wait.  I was in tears.  I told him and he wouldn’t say anything for what seemed like forever.  Even though he said he forgave me (after lots of stern comments – which were deserved) he told me he was still disappointed that I lied, but everything was ok.

After going to Hallmark.com to send an e-card (love them!), I decided to email him with the link to this.  So that he could see how much he means to me by reading my posts telling the whole world how much I love him.

When he got home on Sunday, he was amused by some of them.  And things are great.  We talked about what we needed to.  I know that me getting upset is for no good reason.  And probably just for attention and to hear him tell me how much he loves me (even though he does it every second anyway).  And I know that part of the reason is because of how much I’ve been hurt in the past and the insecurities that stem from that.

But what I do know for sure is that he is my best friend.  He is the love of my life.  That if he didn’t love me, he would never ever put up with any of this shit.  That I want those church doors to open and I want to see him at the end of the aisle waiting for me.  I can’t wait for that day.  I can’t wait for the years and years after that.  I know that we were meant to be together.  That there has never ever been anyone in my life (not my mom, not my best friends, not anyone) that I could spend SO MUCH time with without getting tired of them.  You know what I mean, when you just need some time to yourself?  That has never happened.  In fact, I could spend 24 hours a day, every day with this boy, and that still wouldn’t be enough.

Anyway, that’s enough.  I’m sure you’re tired of me gushing.  But I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.  So, I don’t know if he’ll read it anymore, but if he does – Hi, babe!